Renesmee's Storytime
by Rose Tyler
Summary: When Renesmee asks for a story, Jacob and the Cullens decide to tell their own versions of classic fairytales.
1. Renesmee, Edward, and The Ugly Witch

**Renesmee, Edward, and The Ugly Witch**

_**(Original story: Hansel and Gretel)**_

"Mommy, will you tell me a story?" Renesmee asked me, looking at me with large, pleading eyes.

"Honey, I don't think I know any stories," I told her. Just then, the door opened, and Jacob walked in. From the other end of the couch, Rosalie sighed.

"Hey Blondie," he said loudly, "Did you hear about the tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and five blondes were stranded on an escalator for fifteen hours."

Rosalie didn't reply. Alice giggled. Rosalie glared. Alice got quiet.

"Jacob, will you tell me a story?" Renesmee asked him sweetly.

"Of course I will." He sat down and she jumped into his lap.

"Once, there was a beautiful girl named Renesmee. She had a friend named Edward."

Next to me, Edward raised his eyebrow. Clearly, he had no idea where this was going. Which was very worrying.

* * *

One day, Renesmee and Edward decided to go for a walk. They were skipping through the woods, and Renesmee was throwing flowers behind them so that they would be able to find their way home. Suddenly, she realized that the flowers were no longer behind them.

"Edward," she asked. "Did you see what happened to the flowers?"

Edward held up a handful of flowers. "They're so pretty, I didn't want to just let them go to waste. I don't see why you were just throwing them away like that." He buried his nose in them and inhaled, smiling.

* * *

"Stop, stop it." Edward had a look on his face that was a combination of amusement and annoyance.

"What?" Jacob asked.

"Why are you making me sound all fruity?"

"I'm not, Edward. That's how you are to me. Now do you mind?" He turned back to Renesmee.

* * *

"Now, Edward," Renesmee scolded. "How are we supposed to find our way home? We're lost now. What are you even going to do with those?"

"Put them in that beautiful vase in my room, of course."

* * *

"Jacob," I said in my threatening voice.

He rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine."

* * *

"I'm going to give them to my bossy controlling wife Bella who doesn't know how to laugh." Edward told her. "Look, there's a house over there. Let's go ask them for help."

But Renesmee was worried. "I don't think that going on that house is a good idea, Edward. Grandma Esme said never to talk to strangers."

"Yeah, but some strangers have candy." He walked towards the house. Renesmee knew that it was a bad idea, but it was getting dark, and she was scared to be in the woods alone. She quickly followed Edward.

When they got to the door, Edward knocked. The door creaked open, and when they saw who was standing there, Edward let out a high pitched scream. The woman standing there was a hideous blonde with a gigantic wart on her chin.

"What do you want, you ugly little brats?" she asked.

Edward, shaking with fear, shoved Renesmee in front on him. She tried her best to hide the fact that she was afraid. "We're lost, and we were just wondering if you had a phone or something we could use."

"Little girl, I don't have a phone. I am living in the middle of the woods by myself because I hate everybody and everybody hates me. So it's just me, my makeup, and my curlers here."

"Which you clearly don't know how to use," Edward muttered.

The witch glared at Edward for a moment, and then opened up her gigantic mouth and ate him up.

* * *

Renesmee gasped.

"What?" Alice asked in a surprised voice.

Rosalie slammed her hand down on the arm of the couch. Why do I have to be the ugly witch that eats children?" She yelled at Jacob, glaring at him.

"If you don't like my story, you can leave," he told her blankly.

She stomped her foot, turned, and stormed out of the room.

"So what happened to Renesmee?" Renesmee asked.

"Well, the ugly witch was about to eat her, but then one of Edward's shoes got lodged in her throat, and she choked to death. Then, as the witch was choking, she coughed up the cell phone of another child she ate, and Renesmee used it to call her Grandma Esme to pick her up. When she got home, there were warm cookies waiting for her."

Renesmee laughed. "I like that story."

"That makes one of us, "Edward said under his breath.

"I like it, too. How about another one?" Alice asked.


	2. Renesmee and The Three Bears

**A/N:** I got reviews, so it's time I continue. :P Thanks so much to those of you who reviewed! I have the next two chapters planned out, so it shouldn't be too long. Anyway... I had something to say about this chapter, can't remember what though. So I hope you like this one! Please review! And if you have a fairytale you want me to make a chapter for, let me know and I'll see what I can do. Time to shut up, I reckon.

* * *

**Renesmee and The Three Bears**

_**(Original story: Goldilocks and the Three Bears**_)

"Glad to," Jacob smiled.

Emmett entered the room. "Okay, Rosalie just came upstairs totally pissed. Oh, Jacob's here. That explains it."

Alice laughed. "She was just upset because he was telling Renesmee a story, put her in it, and didn't like her character. She doesn't know how to take a joke."

"Yeah, I found that out the hard way." Emmett made a face. Then he sat down. "So is there going to be another story?"

"Just in time," Jacob told him. He turned to Renesmee. "Once upon a time, there were three bears. Their names were Emmett, Bella, and Alice. They lived in a house in the woods."

"Did they live next to the ugly witch?" Renesmee asked.

"No, but they did go to high school with her. She had a crush on Emmett. She suffered a mental disorder known as 'bestiality'-"

"JACOB!" I yelled.

* * *

Also in the woods, there was a girl with long, golden hair named Renesmee. She got lost in the woods while playing. Luckily, she stumbled upon a house.

She knocked on the door, and it slowly opened up. Emmett had been irresponsible and had not shut the door tightly behind him that morning.

Normally Renesmee was a good girl, but she was very tired and hungry. So she opened up the door and stepped inside. She called out a few times, but nobody answered her calls.

She then noticed some oatmeal sitting on the counter. Three bowls. She took a bite from the first bowl. Too hot. She took a bite from the second bowl. Too cold. She took a bite from the third bowl. It was just right.

* * *

"Okay, hold up. I didn't like oatmeal when I was human," Emmett complained.

"And why was Emmett's bowl so hot, if it had been sitting out for a while?" Alice asked.

Jacob gave them an irritated look. "Why don't you take that up with the guy who invented fairy tales?"

Alice tsk tsk'd. "Touchy."

* * *

Then, Renesmee saw three chairs. One was normal sized and had something gross and stick on it. One was the perfect size for a Barbie doll. Renesmee picked the middle one, which was normal sized and clean.

After sitting and finishing the oatmeal, she decided she needed a nap. She went to find beds to sleep in, but could find none. Just then, she heard a roar from behind her. She turned to see the three bears standing behind her. Emmett roared again, and Renesmee, scared, fled the house.

* * *

"The end."

"The end?" I was confused. "That didn't make any sense, Jacob."

"Yeah, why didn't the bears have beds?" Alice asked.

"Because you're vampire bears. Duh," Jacob explained as if it were obvious.

"Why didn't I tell her to get out? She was trespassing!" Emmett wondered.

"Because bears can't talk," Jacob explained, again that "no duh" tone.

Rosalie walked into the room. She scowled at Jacob. "Okay, dog, my turn. Renesmee, I have a story for you now."


	3. Little Red Vampire Hood

**A/N**: Hey! Sorry it's been so long. I lost the piece of paper I had this chapter written on. Finally found it last night when I was cleaning my room. It somehow ended up in a shoe... anyway, hope you like it! It's a bit short, but I'm working on the next one right now.

* * *

**Little Red Vampire Hood**

**_(Original story: Little Red Riding Hood_)**

Once upon a time, there was a cute little girl who wore a red cape with a hood. She one day decided to visit her grandmother.

She was skipping down the street when a car pulled up beside her. Inside was a young guy who appeared to be up to no good. When he rolled down the car window, the car stank of wet dog.

"Hello, little girl," he said to her. "Where are you going?"

"To my grandmother's house in the woods." She was scared, and she was hoping that he would go away.

"Would you like a ride?" he asked her.

She would have loved a ride, but she knew never to take rides from strangers. "No thank you," she told him.

He rolled up the window and pulled away. She watched as he drove off. As soon as he was out of sight, she began running quickly towards her grandmother's house.

She burst through the door just in time to see a big wolf swallow her grandmother whole.

She screamed. Just then, a beautiful blond woman ran through the door and bit the wolf on the neck. It tried to fight her, but she held on tight for many long seconds. The wolf's eyes glazed over, and it fell over dead.

The beautiful blond woman then ripped into the wolf's flesh and pulled the girls' grandmother out. She was okay.

The woman explained to the little girl and her grandmother that the guy who she had met earlier had been a werewolf.

"That explains why he stunk so bad earlier, "said the little girl.

* * *

Esme walked in just in time for the last line. "What's going on?" She asked.

Jacob, smirking, explained. "I ate you, Blondie poisoned and killed me, then tore me open and rescued you."

Esme looked confused. "Well that doesn't sound like a very nice story."

"We're putting each other into fairy tales," I explained to her.

"Ah," she nodded. "Well how about a nice story?"

Renesmee, still wide eyed, quickly ran over and jumped into her lap.


	4. Jake and The Beanstalk

**A/N: **Hello everyone! I know it's been 2 years since I last updated this story, so I understand if nobody is interested in reading anymore. But if you do happen to read this chapter and enjoy it, I would really appreciate reviews so I know if the story is worth continuing or not. Enjoy!**  
**

* * *

**Jake and the Beanstalk**

_**(Original story: Jack and the Beanstalk**_**)**

* * *

"Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jake," Esme started.

"Oh no, you leave me out of this," Jacob interrupted. "Come on now, I _just_ got brutally murdered!"

"Jacob, do you mind?" Edward asked, mockingly repeating Jacob's words from earlier.

Jacob made a sour face at him, but Esme continued on with a faint smile on her lips.

* * *

Jake lived in a nice house with his father on the beach. One day, Jake's father asked him to go to the grocery store to get some beans for the tacos he was making. He told Jake to take their old car and sell it in order to get the money for the beans.

* * *

"Wait a minute, how expensive are those beans he wants?" Emmett asked, confused.

"Would you shush?" Esme scolded.

"Yeah Uncle Emmett, _shush_!" Renesmee echoed, putting her finger to her lips.

Emmett pretended to zip his lips and throw away the key, and Esme went back to the story.

* * *

So Jake took the car and started heading to town for some beans. On the way, he decided to stop at the beach for a few minutes. While he was there, looking out over the ocean, a man approached him.

"Hello there," the man said. "Is that your car over there?" He pointed to the car Jake was supposed to sell.

"Yes, it is," Jake replied.

"I have some magic beans here," the man said, holding out a bag full of white beans. "I'll trade you."

"Sure," Jake said, taking the beans and handing the man the keys.

* * *

"Esme, how dumb do you think I am?" Jacob complained, a sour look on his face. "Yes, Mr. Stranger, I'll take your magic beans." He used air quotes around the last two words. "That's not at all creepy or anything…"

"Why the hell would he trade an entire _car_ for _beans?_" Emmett asked, looking even more confused and somewhat irritated.

"Seriously, I am _not_ that stupid," Jacob was still complaining.

"I disagree," Rosalie retorted. "I actually think Esme is boosting your intelligence with this story."

I sighed. Again with the bickering.

Rosalie turned to Esme. "Please, Esme, continue."

"Yeah, Grandma, please!" Renesmee begged.

"_**Beans**_ for a _**car**_?"

"Uncle Emmett!" Renesmee shouted. We all flinched as her tiny, piercing voice rang through our ears. She climbed off of Esme's lap and walked over to him, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the doorway.

"What?" he asked, looking down at her.

"Come on," she grunted, pulling his hand with all her strength. "You have to leave. You're interrupting Grandma's story!"

Emmett tried to convince her to let him stay, but Edward and I both smirked as our daughter escorted Emmett's large frame from the room.

As Renesmee slammed the door on his retreating back, Jacob was still complaining. "I'm not just going to take 'magic beans' from some freaky beach hobo. I would _never-_" he was interrupted by one of Renesmee's tiny fingers over his lips. She climbed up in his lap and placed her hand over his mouth to get him to shut up.

She beamed. "Please continue, Grandma."

* * *

When Jake got home, he proudly took the beans to his father.

"Look Dad, I got the beans you asked for. But these ones are special. The man who gave them to me said they were magical." He held the beans out to his father.

His father turned to look at the beans, and then frowned. "Jake, I told you to get _black_ beans. We can't use these!" He threw them out the window.

Later that night, after their pizza came and they had eaten, Jake went to bed. He felt bad that he had gotten the wrong kind of beans. He made plans to go to the store and get the right kind the next day. With that final thought, he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

"Esme," Edward interrupted.

She looked at him, surprised that he had been the one to interrupt her story this time. "Yes, Edward?"

Edward smiled. "Emmett is outside the door secretly listening, and he wants to know where Jake is going to get another car to trade for the can of beans the next day."

"Maybe he can trade one of his kidneys?" Alice suggested. We all laughed.

"Anyway," Esme tried, clearly hoping the question would be dropped. "The next morning Jake woke up and saw that a gigantic beanstalk had grown in the yard where his father had thrown the magic beans!"

Renesmee's eyes widened in anticipation.

* * *

Jake got dressed and walked outside, looking upward to see where it ended. But it reached far into the sky, the clouds covering the top. He wondered what was at the top, and thought about climbing up. But he was too lazy, so instead he went back inside to watch TV.

A few hours later, Jake was watching a funny show when he felt the floor begin to shake. It was an earthquake! He quickly jumped up off the couch, looking around to determine where the best place to hide was. Just as he had decided to get in one of the closets, there was a sudden blast of sunlight throughout the house. He looked up to see that the roof was collapsing.

He jumped down onto the floor, quickly getting into safety position to protect himself from the falling pieces of the roof. After a few moments, the shaking had stopped. He wondered why the roof had not fall on him, and slowly looked up.

Towering a hundred feet above him, there was a giant girl. She had dark hair that was styled into a pixie cut, and she was smiling cheerfully.

"Hello!" she said in a booming yet dainty voice.

"Hi?" he replied, shocked by her size.

"I haven't been down from my castle in the sky in months, not since my the last magic beanstalk had been cut down. I don't know why they were so afraid of me." She shrugged. "Anyway, where's the closest mall? I need to go shopping!" She exclaimed.

"Um… it's that way," Jake pointed.

"Thank you!" she sang. She gently placed the roof back on top of the house. Jake walked over to the window and watched her skip off towards the mall.

* * *

Renesmee clapped and giggled at the ending of the story. The rest of us simply stared at Esme, Jacob staring with his mouth hanging half open in horror.

Esme smiled back at Renesmee, thankfully not seeing the rest of our expressions. "See, now wasn't that a nice story?"

Renesmee giggled and shook her head yes. Esme walked over and kissed her tiny head, then walked out of the room.

As Esme exited, Emmett walked back into the room. "Seriously, Jacob, a _car_ for _beans_?"

* * *

**Please review if you want me to continue!**


End file.
